Every day this week, I’m going to go into detail regarding one of my six goals for 2016.
Even though my goals are in no particular order, this one of course had to be first. This goal it the universal key – achieving this one not only unlocks all the other goals, but unlocks the truest potential of Stacy.
Why? Because this is the one that the egoic voice inside me goes….nah, you’ve yet to accomplish this and you try EVERY YEAR. What makes you think you can achieve it this year?
First of all, I thank my egoic voice for its input. It was not asked or required and I invite it to return to its seat.
Secondly, I know I’m going to hit this goal. Fall down seven times, get up eight. Or in my case, fall down 21 times, get up 22, because I probably have been “dieting” since I was 16 years old.
Here’s the thing – this isn’t a diet. It’s a lifestyle. Cliche but true.
The difference this time is this, or rather, are these things:
- I am fully in recovery for my food addiction.
- There is no more story that this is “my body type”
- There is no more using my weight as an excuse to reject and not receive the love I desire and deserve by making some lame excuse about my body size.
- I am clear as day on the outcome
- I am clear as day on my ability to trust myself
- I am clear as day on my ability to keep my word
- I am no longer needing any sort of cheering, applause, observations, or attaboys from anyone along my journey. This is me and me alone.
- I am no longer needing anyone to hold me accountable but me.
My relationship with food and my body is a very complicated love affair, and has been unhealthy most of the time. Like an arranged marriage when I turned 16, my body turned against me. I went from being in amazing shape, lean, and trim as a dancer to suddenly – boobs. Hips. Thighs.
Suddenly I became a woman. Suddenly, I had jiggly parts that I had to contend with. And suddenly I started to look like my mother, who I was clear didn’t like her own thighs, boobs, or hips, so did that mean I should start disliking how I looked? Somewhere between that and the dance studio and the messages I saw on TV, I started to equate how I looked as bad.Somewhere along the lines, having grown up in the dance world, the fact that I had “thunder” thighs comparatively made me hate that my body had rebelled against me and made me feel less than.Even though I took dance classes for 18 years, I never got a dance callback in NYC. I wasn’t the right look. The right type. Short legs. Short height. Large thighs.
It wasn’t until I started going to singing auditions and was asked to stay and dance did anyone get that I was a dancer. I’d dance rings around the other “singers” – I’m a true triple threat in the classic sense so casting people would be shocked that someone who sings so well could also dance so well. Finally I made some headway in NYC, but not as I saw myself. I saw myself as a dancer.Oh, and during all this time, I comforted with food. My parents comforted with food. It’s what we did and what I learned.
And it’s all good – it was AWESOME! Eating rocks. Like seriously. Food is amazing. Sometimes food is better than sleep, than sex, than hugs. And food is readily more accessible than all those three some days.
I hit rock bottom in my food addiction fifteen months ago. I could no longer hide from the world, which really meant myself, that I had gained all the weight back from a very public weight release four years earlier.
I was in SUCH pain. I knew I was a food addict and emotional eater from a couple years earlier and was unwilling to confront it until last January, when EVERYTHING in my life broke down.
My gorgeous bestie Daphne had an amazing conversation with me and gave me the strength (or rather showed me that I had the strength all along) to come out, as it were.
Which I did, in a 8 minute Facebook Video. The response was amazing. I thought people would judge me and hate me and say I disappointed them and let them down.What happened was that by tearing off my mask of inauthenticity, people responded to my vulnerability and courage, two qualities I didn’t see in myself at the time. I just saw and felt pain. The pain was finally great enough.
So I made this whole public posting about losing the weight and the cycle continued – I still had poor food discipline but I was AWARE if I was binging and was binging less.
I didn’t know what food sobriety looked like. Did it really mean I was never going to eat a cookie again? No cake? No ice cream? FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
Nope, wasn’t ready for that so I kept eating what I wanted to when I wanted to – just a little bit less.
My results reflected this :)
So after a year of being basically a dry drunk in addiction terms, something shifted.
It started in Dallas at our national convention for my health and well-being business. I saw ALL these healthy, fit people and I realized, I can totally, totally look like that. I’d gotten comfortable. I cut too many corners.
So I promised myself by our national convention in August in Las Vegas, I would be in the body of my dreams.
Then my coach told me that I was holding on to the weight because I was holding on to a story. He said I could be 115lbs if I just “let go”. I thought he was crazy. I thought he didn’t understand my body. I thought I’d look sick if I weighed that.
Then I spent four months in a course about my relationship to my integrity and my word. It was the most amazing puzzle piece for me.
Then I started to get super clear on my goals for the year, because I actually believed for the first time that I could hit some of them.
I said my goal was “Achieve and maintain the body I’ve always wanted.”
Then it got more specific to “Release 30lbs”
Then “Release 33lbs by Saturday August 6th”
Then the real breakthrough: “Release 33lbs by Saturday August 6th and maintain it through 121/31/16”
For me – I can release the weight. It’s always been about maintenance. Because I’ve never trusted myself enough to not fall off the wagon.
But something shifted within me within the last two weeks since I wrote out that goal – a sobering (no pun intended) realization – who I’m being now can’t achieve that goal.I require a much higher discipline around food if I’m going to succeed.
And I know I’m going to succeed. So guess what, kids? Instant food discipline.And in that moment, I went from being a dry drunk to being sober.
It finally, finally was easy to turn down food. I had none of my daughter’s birthday cake. Didn’t miss it. I had none of the extra pizza. I had none of the Easter candy left around the house.
My goals are too strong and clear and my desire to finally achieve this life long goal is too close to do what I always did and get what I always got.
It’s now been 9 days, and I’ve been completely food sober. Suddenly the discipline I always wanted is here.Because my commitment to my goal and to myself is the game. Suddenly the trigger foods aren’t worth it. Suddenly I have zero desire for cake, cookies, ice cream, because I’m more excited to hit my goal and maintain it.
Suddenly, I surrendered fully to the process, let go of controlling control, and am inspired every moment by my visualized outcome.
So to wrap up this post that has wanted to be created for a very long time, here’s where I am at:
Last Monday, I weighed 159.4, which is exactly what I weighed when I started my journey almost five years ago. I find that poetical, beautiful, and perfect.
And yes, I thought I weighed 158 when I made this goal. In my head, I’m counting the day I wrote the goal as 158 and 159.4 is a gain.
9 days in, I weighed this morning 156.4. I am about to start a two day cleanse and my goal
To be clear, it’s not about numbers on the scale. That’s just the measure and statistic I’m using right now.
There’s clothes sizes, muscle appearance, body fat percentage, inches, etc.As I start, here’s my breakdown of markers:
- April 7 – 153lbs
May 7 – 146lbs
- June 7 – 139lbs
- July 7 – 132lbs
- August 6 – 125lb
- and maintain 122-125 through December 31.
So there you have it. A food addict in sober recovery. I finally arrived here – took A LOT LONGER than I thought but it is rock solid, no corners cut.
Stay tuned for results on Thursday! And check in every day this week for my six part series outlining how I’m going to hit each of my six goals and powerfully cross that finish line!
PS – if you haven’t yet signed up for my emailing list that was just created last week, go to the home page here and on the right side, put your name on the list! Once a week goody bag delivered to your inbox and you’ll be first on the list for my upcoming webinar series!
LOVE YOU!!! xoxox, S